Resentments in Couples’ Relationships Can Destroy Connection
Resentment in marriage or relationships can be sneaky, can lie beneath our daily awareness, can last for years . . . and, yet, can be resolved and lead to greater understanding.
By definition, a resentment is a negative feeling to being mistreated or wronged by another person. When we feel resentment, we may feel anger, disappointment and bitterness. These emotions can come up in unrelated events, particularly arguments.
What’s tricky, however, is that resentments are held in, not discussed and can linger in the background. Then, when an issue surfaces with our partner, we may cite this entirely different event, adding to the discord that has just come between you.
In this blog, we’ll probe deeper into how resentments happen, why they can be held onto for so long and – importantly, how to resolve those hurt feelings and put the negativity to rest.
How Resentments with Couples Take Root
She asked for a special gift for her birthday. He forgot and gave her something entirely different.
When visiting her family, he feels left out, like a stranger. She says he’s exaggerating.
When her partner chips in to help with chores, it seems he only does the minimum.
By definition, resentments stem from a belief that we have been treated unfairly. A resentment can result whether our partner acted intentionally or not.
Resentments can be fueled by:
Feeling we are being taken advantage of by another person
Feeling put down or that our feelings are dismissed
When we have unrealistic expectations of another
Not feeling heard or understood
How Resentments Can Be Felt
When we are harboring a resentment, we can feel recurring negative feelings toward the person or situation that was hurtful. Emotions can include anger, bitterness, frustration and even hostility.
For some, resentment makes it very difficult to stop thinking about the event. Feelings of remorse or regret also are possible. People can blame themselves for not acting differently at the time. With these recurring thoughts, it’s difficult to let go of the negative thoughts and emotions.
When we don’t feel heard or understood, we can develop a resentment. Then, complicating the issue, we may be afraid to bring up these feelings if we feel it will lead to an argument or can result in not being heard – yet again.
“When you can’t say ‘No’ then ‘Yes’ has no meaning”
The seeds of resentment can be planted (and held onto) when we agree to something when we would rather not do so. We may go along with a plan we’re not that happy about; then, as time goes on, we realize that the idea just doesn’t work for us.
We may have felt it important to please our partner, so we said, “yes.” At work, we might have agreed to take on another project when we were afraid to speak up about our already-heavy workload.
Resentments often are the result of the conversation that was never held. We disagree, but we “go along to get along.” Yet, we can pay a much higher price later when we are coping with whatever the event or process and how it is impacting us.
What Lies Beneath Can Negatively Affect Our Relationship (sometimes quite profoundly)
How Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy Helps Resolve Resentments
At my initial session with Arizona couples, I ask whether there was a time (or times) when either person felt their partner was not there for them – did not respond as needed, was unavailable or when feelings were hurt.
We’ll explore later whether a resentment still lingers. And, by the time we are approaching this issue, we’ve established a good working relationship and the couple has developed an understanding of the therapy process.
Of course, we can’t say that the issue will be resolved or healed. However, the couple has guidance for how to have those difficult conversations. And I offer assistance if needed so the couple gains an understanding of how to resolve future resentments and issues of concern long after therapy has ended.
Should We Talk?
I offer a no-charge 20-minute consultation to help us decide if we’re a good fit to work together. Call or email me to schedule.